Discouraged

Ever since I ran the Matthew 25 5K on July 19th, my running has been a real struggle. Not a single run - not even the short ones - has felt good. I don't know what the problem is. And in recent days, not only has the run not felt good, but I haven't felt good long after the run is history.

I ran four miles last night, as per my schedule, and couldn't move when I got done. Romie massaged my legs really well and I was in bed well before my normal bedtime. I found it difficult to get out of bed this morning and as I've tried to get busy with all the work I need to do here, both inside the house and out, I find each step painful and difficult. It didn't feel like this a few weeks ago when I ran four miles.

This feels just like I felt a lot of the time last winter, when my fibromyalgia was in full force. Is that what this is? Maybe. And what do I do about it? I don't want to fall behind in my running, not with the half-marathon just six short weeks away. But I can't move. Ask me to run a tenth of a mile right now and I absolutely could not do it.

I want to quit, and have for some time now, but I won't. I'm not a quitter. But this does not feel good. I can't imagine that anyone who likes running would keep putting themselves through this if they felt like this. If so, that just solidifies my opinion that runners are a special sort of crazy.

People always say, "Listen to what your body is telling you." Well, my body is telling me, "Alright already! Enough is enough!" There's a reason for this, but I'm not sure what it is and that's frustrating. If it were a temporary kind of pain and fatigue, that would be one thing, but it's lasted a very long time now. While I try to keep my whining to a minimum, and have refrained from expressing negative thoughts I've had recently, I've reached my limit and well, there it is.

Some of us have discussed how none of us have been runners before and if we'd really wanted to be "real" runners, we would have been before this point in our lives. So why did we willingly apply for this in the first place? I don't think any of us realized just how tough this was going to get. You don't know what you don't know.

For me, it was that I wanted to go through the training to get in better physical condition. I'm there now. I can tell. My body looks different and feels different. My heart rate runs in the high 40s, which is down from my normal heart rate of around 55. My three-year hip joint pain hasn't shown itself in months. But I never dreamed that this training would get this tough at this point.

When the goals were shorter, say three miles or so, that seemed doable. It was something that we couldn't imagine doing when we started, but as we worked our way towards that level, it did seem within reach. But now that the goals are bigger and longer (and tougher), doubts have crept in as to whether we would actually be able to do the 13.1 miles.

I'm sure I can go 13.1 miles, but how much of it will be spent running is another thing altogether. No one says we have to run it the entire way and I can assure you that I won't. But I'd like to run most of it.

Am I inspired by Terry, who at 68 is the oldest member of our group and has kept right up with the schedule and maintains a good attitude? You bet. But that doesn't make it any easier. In fact, it makes me wonder - what's wrong with me? If this is just a "wall" or a normal phase I'm going through, both mentally and physically, then fine. I'll wait it out. But I sure wish it would hurry up and skedaddle. It's just about gotten me down for the count.